A bun in the oven makes half a dozen

Wow. Where did the time go?

2011-05-16T10:48:00.000-06:00

My little "Guppy" turned 14 months old yesterday. He's the heart of this family. He makes us laugh and smile every day and we couldn't imagine what our life would have been without him in it. He completes who we are as a family and we as so grateful that we were able to have him. If he'd have been my fifth miscarriage I don't think we've had tried for another baby again. Scary thought. Which is also another testament that fear of miscarriage should never outweigh the desire to have a baby. You never know what you'll be missing out on...

We are aren't planning to have any more kids. 6 is a lot. A perfect number for us, but a lot. The days of trying to conceive, peeing on stick after stick, getting pregnant, losing babies, getting pregnant again and rinse and repeat are over for us. Our focus is now to enjoy our "littles" while they are just that.

I've debated many times whether or not to just delete this blog. But, every now and then I get an e-mail from someone who is suffering with what I went through and they tell me it helps to read my thoughts. So for that reason, I'll keep this blog up and update when I can.

Thanks. :)

2010-03-21T18:18:00.000-06:00

"Guppy"

March 15th, 2010 @ 3:01 a.m.

7 lbs 3oz. 18.5"

Birth Story

On Sunday (3/14) at Church (about 12:00ish) I started having contractions that had a more regular pattern. I'd been having them for weeks and Friday night I started having them consistenly but nothing regular or hard so I tried to just ignore them but on Sunday they were getting to 5 min. apart. Still nothing super hard or painful, but I took a nap, had a bath, drank a lot of water and they didn't stop. By about 9:00 that night they were about 3-5 min. apart and I knew I wasn't going to be able to relax until I knew what was going on. I was also really worried that if I was dilating at all labor would eventually get stronger and I didn't want it to go by fast and have to rush to the hospital, so we went and to be checked. As soon as we got in the car they were 2 minutes apart and getting strong enough to make me uncomfortable. I was a 3+ on Friday and I was a 4 when I got to triage. They monitored me for an hour and the contractions were a consisten 2 min. apart still. But, I was still at a 4 and still 70% effaced. So, they told me to go walking for an hour and they'd check me again. So we walked and walked and the contractions started to hurt a little. It was about 12:15a.m. by then and I went back to the triage room and I was at a 5. Still 2 min. apart. The nurse didn't told me they wouldn't give me anything to keep labor going because I was only 36 weeks and 5 days along. She wasn't sure if the Dr. would keep me. I told her I've had 5 kids, have fast labors and and live 40 min. away so if she sent me home I'd just go walk around the hospital. Ha. She talked to the Dr. on call and he said to keep me so they admitted me. I got into my room at about 12:45 and the dr. came in at about 1:30 and I was at a 6 at that point. He decided to break my water because I was obviously going to have this baby. At about 1:30a they checked me again and I was at a 7 and my contractions were really hurting by then. I tried so hard to brave it out and go natural, but my body was so tired and I was exhausted so I asked for a spinal. It's not the same as a full epidural, it blocks the pain, but still leaves you in control of your body. So I could feel my legs and move them and I could feel the contractions, but I was able to rest. My mom and dad came to the hospital at about that time. An hour later at like 3:20ish the dr. checked me again and I was at a 10 and fully effaced. I pushed for about 4 min. (2 contractions) and he slid right out. :) No tears or rips or stitches needed.

The baby did great. He enhaled fluid and was breathing really fast and he had really low blood sugar levels. I was so worried he'd have to stay in the nursery. I got to see him for 2 min and hold him and they took him away. Daddy hadn't even held him. He stayed in the nursery all night so they could give him an IV for the low blood sugar. I tired to sleep but couldn't at all because I was so worried about the baby and really wanted to have him with me. At about 7:00a I woke the hubby up and told him that I needed to see the baby, so he wheeled me down to the nursery and when we got there they said he was ready to leave and he was doing just fine. So they brought him to my room. He stayed with me the rest of the time in the hosp. They had to check his levels several times during our stay, but he was doing great. The Ped gave him a clean bill of health. Yay!

He's a good baby. So cute and really calm. We're so happy. We're also very happy to be done. Russ and I both felt a feeling of peace come over us after he was born that we were done. We had brought all of our children into the world and Guppy completed us. That was a really good feeling. :) No more trying to get pregnant. No more miscarriages. No more pregnancies. We're all here and happy.

March 31st

2010-03-02T09:27:00.000-07:00

My OB said that he'll induce me on March 31st if I haven't had the baby by then, but we're both sure I will have had him already. Still though...it's nice to have a date to count down to. Only 4 weeks and one day at the latest until I meet my little man!

The baby has dropped. Now we just have to wait it out for another 2 weeks until he's full term and then I can evict the baby from my uterus and put up the "CLOSED" sign forever.

6 more weeks...still too long.

2010-02-23T19:55:00.000-07:00

I'm 34 weeks along. Too far away from my due date to get too excited and too miserable at the same time. My body just isn't dealing well. I've been pregnant so many times. I have been very blessed with this baby, no matter how uncomfortable/in major pain, I am. I keep trying to remind myself of that. I didn't lose this baby. Wow. What a blessing. But I also know that just because it's a blessing doesn't mean that I don't feel pregnant. Ugh! I just want to be done. I want to snuggle my baby boy in my arms and kiss his sweet neck and count his tiny toes. I don't want to feel him snuggling against my bladder, rubbing his head against my pelvis or jamming his toes under my ribs anymore. Is that too much to ask? ;)

Slacker. AKA Pregnant

2010-01-15T13:48:00.000-07:00

Yes, I realize it's been 2 months since I've posted anything to this blog. I'll give you one reason why...actually I'll give you 6! 5 Children and a kicker in utero!

I have been so busy, not to mention super miserable with this pregnancy. The baby and I are doing great. Healthy and growing great (both of us). I'm 28+ weeks now and plugging along. I've been pregnant 9 times now and my body is just plain tired of doing it and is showing this to me every day. I ache 24/7 and I have Braxton Hicks contractions every time I bend over or change positions and they get more uncomfortable with each week. I told myself I wouldn't complain about any of this, but you can see how well that plan worked out. Ha! But, I've been miserable!

The kids have been keeping me busy. Bronco, the 6th grader, has the teacher from Hell. Honestly she's a good teacher and is prepping her students for Jr. High, which I can appreciate, but she has been loading on the homework for him like you wouldn't believe. He's had one major project after another, sometimes 3 at a time on top of regular homework. We're talking 3+ hours of homework a night. It's been crazy! Then you add in the 3 other boys' homework, cub scouts, activities and then 4 year old Princess and well...life is busy.

So there...that's my excuse for not blogging much. Sorry! I'll do better. Maybe.

It's a BOY!!

2009-11-16T17:13:00.000-07:00

Wow. Oh my gosh. No way! Seriously? Holy Moly!

These are the thoughts that entered my mind when the ultrasound tech said "It's a boy."

5 boys. 1 girl. God has a funny sense of humor.

Best thing ever!

2009-11-03T16:21:00.000-07:00

This is the best thing ever. I have been able to wear my cute regular non-maternity jeans for a long time now (and I started showing early, so that's saying something!) Belly Bands!! http://babybeminematernity.com/ I am in no way associated with this company...I just love the Belly Bands. :)

Daddy

2009-10-27T09:25:00.001-06:00

I've been feeling baby flutters for a few weeks now, but not really anything that could be called a "kick." This has bothered me a little because I usually have felt kicks by this time. I know the baby is fine, I hear it's cute little heartbeat everyday. But, I really wanted to feel kicks. On Saturday, our household was full of sickies so we had "quiet time" and all layed in our beds to rest (or read) for awhile. The hubby spooned around me as I started to dose off and he placed his hand over my belly and within a few minutes I could feel a little "tap, tap, tap" right where his palm was. :) Baby already loves his/her daddy.

ONE baby

2009-10-20T17:25:00.000-06:00

My 15 week appointment ended with an ultrasound because I have a very patient understanding OB who indulged my anxiety by letting me see my baby and checking to see how many babies I have in there. We have one healthy little wiggly baby in there.

I am relieved and excited. My next appointment (and more excitedly my next ultrasound) will be Nov. 13th. We can't wait to find our if we're having our 2nd daughter or 5th son.

13 weeks - 2nd Trimester!

2009-09-30T10:19:00.000-06:00

Yay! I never thought this day would come. Really. I cannot express how happy I am to have a healthy bun in the oven. I am getting so excited about this baby. :)

Bun moving!

2009-09-30T10:18:00.000-06:00

I can feel the bun moving. Awesomesauce!

Sweet Relief

2009-09-18T17:34:00.000-06:00

I had my 1st Dr's appointment. Baby is good. I am good. Yay, yay, yay! I am 11 weeks and 2 days. The dumb nurse moved my due date to April 7th...so I'm back a day. Why can't they all use the same dang wheel chart? LOL

My uterus is measuring 14 weeks. I have been double sick and since the Princess was a twin and because I'm measuring bigger, he thought it might be twins. We only heard one heartbeat though, so if I'm still measuring big next month he'll do an ultrasound just to check. He said there is probably just one baby, but because I'm at "risk" for twins...he said to prepare for the possibility. Yowza. I'm not gonna let my mind wander there.

11 weeks and still super sick.

2009-09-15T19:25:00.000-06:00

I'm 11 weeks today and have heard a healthy heartbeat everyday. :) I think this baby may actually stick. I have been super, super sick since I was 4 weeks along and there is no end in sight yet. I'm still super sick and it's starting to wear me down. I feel so guilty for complaining about it because I know how lucky and blessed I am to even be pregnant, let alone with a healthy baby. But, it's so exhausting to be sick for so long. It was starting to get better during the day and I was just sick at night. Now it's coming back during the day too. Ughhhh.

I have my first apt. with the Dr. on Friday. :)

Heartbeat!

2009-09-05T17:47:00.000-06:00

We heard a heartbeat! Woot Woot! Oh, also, I am pregnant. :) I'm due April 6th. I have been terribly, horribly, miserably sick with this pregnancy. More so than with all 8 other pregnancies. Crazy sick. It's easing slowly and I'm beginning to feel human again. I have also been absolutely terrified of losing the baby and have trained myself to think of it as a "medical condition" instead of a baby. It's the only way I could cope.

I rented a fetal heart doppler from Stork Radio and it arrived yesterday. I wasn't sure if we'd hear the heartbeat, since I was only 9 weeks and 3 days along and my fears were met. I couldn't hear it and I panicked. I tried again this afternoon though and heard the thumpety-thump-thump for a few brief seconds. Just long enough to ask the hubby if he heard it too. He did. So either we're both crazy or we heard a heartbeat. Hopefully that means that all is well in there and the baby is growing as it should. :)

Keep your arms and legs inside at all times and enjoy the ride...

2009-07-13T14:49:00.004-06:00

Here we go again. In case anyone cares...we're trying again. I guess the bright side is that if it ends badly I'm already on anti-depressants. Hahahaha.

Hungry...

2009-07-05T16:50:00.000-06:00

Crap. I'm getting baby hungry again. I'm starting to think it's never going to go away...

Gift from my babies

2009-06-11T19:49:00.004-06:00

After my stormy day, this is what I came home to. Think what you want, but I like to think it's a gift from my babies. :)

EDD

2009-06-11T12:05:00.003-06:00

June 11th. Funny how you can so look forward to a date. Circle in on your calendar. Count down to the day and then months later dread that day like the plague.

Today was my due date. No baby. No new pregnancy. Blah. It's a dark day, pouring rain with thunder rolling by. It seems fitting.

I had my pity party. I cried my eyes out. Now I'm choosing happiness. Nothing I do will bring my baby back. It is what it is. I'm choosing now to be happy with what I have. I have a lot. I am a lucky girl.

Can't I just skip this week?

2009-06-09T23:07:00.003-06:00

It's 2 days before my EDD...and I'm already a mess. I very rarely cry. I'm just not the type of person who cries over every little thing. It takes a lot for me to cry. I get emotional, yes. I am a woman. But, I don't actually break out into tears very often.

Well, here I am. 2 days before the day I figured I'd get a little emotional. 2 days before what would have been my due date if I hadn't lost the baby months ago. I still have to get through 2 days and I've been bawling all night.

I'm a mess. I laid in bed and sobbed. My poor husband had/has no idea what to do with me. This isn't as hard for him as it is for me. He grieved when we lost the baby and that was it. I grieved and put it past me as best as any mother could, but this week I'm feeling the loss all over again. I hate it. I want my baby.

Losing one baby is enough, but losing four is just too much. This week is going to be awful. I am however, feeling very blessed tonight to have good friends who love me and hug me and remember what I'm going through. I couldn't get through any of the crap I've gone through this year without my friends. I am loved. I am lucky. I need to remember that.

Hmmm

2009-06-08T11:18:00.002-06:00

Hmmm....wonder what this week is going to be like. My 3 friends who were pregnant and due the same time I was, all are holding sweet smelling newborns in their arms right now. i am happy for them. And sad at the same time.

I would have been holding one too. *sigh* Thursday is my would-be due date. The hubbers and I are going out to dinner. I'm so ordering a huge dessert.

Approaching Due Date...

2009-05-15T23:15:00.002-06:00

June 11th. I would have been due June 11th. I've always been pregnant again by the time the due date of a lost baby approached. Not this time. Not cool.

Pause

2009-04-17T19:15:00.002-06:00

I'm not sure how much action this blog is going to get for awhile, because for the time being, we're going to stop trying to have another baby. I need an emotional break from it and I need to get my sanity back in order. I'm nearly convinced to not have any more kids at all. We're not closing any doors permanently because we never know how we'll feel in the future, but for right now I just can't deal with losing another baby and since that is most likely what would happen if I ever do get pregnant, I'm not going to chance it right now.

I've just had enough. I need "me" time. I deserve "me" time and I'm going to take it. ;)

Slacker

2009-03-31T11:08:00.002-06:00

I've been a slacker with this blog lately. Honestly, I just don't know what to write about. I'm not pregnant. Still trying. Still trying to come to terms with losing 4 babies and not doing so well at it. It's funny how for months I can deal with it so well and then fall apart all over again. I think it's probably due to the fact that everyone (not really everyone, but it seems that way) is pregnant. So many friends have cute round bellies. I am so happy for them but it's so hard to see. I would be almost 7 months pregnant right now. But, I'm not. I'm not even pregnant and I'm not sure if I will be anytime soon. It doesn't seem like it and at the same time I'm scared to death of getting pregnant again anyway. I go back and forth with this in my head daily. Do I really want to go through this again?

I decided yesterday that although I feel like I have nothing left to give and that my heart just can't handle another loss, I am willing to try one more time. I've prayed and pleaded with Heavenly Father about this. If I am supposed to have one more child, it has to come the next time I get pregnant. I am willing to put my heart on the line one more time, but after that I will stop. If I lose one more baby, I will be done. No matter if I feel that there is another baby waiting for us. I'll just have to come to peace with the decision, but I can't continually go through this.

Not just the trying and losing babies, but if I get pregnant and it's healthy..I'll be an emotional wreck for 9 months. I've been there, I know. I'll worry every second of the day for 9 months and it's not something I look forward to or enjoy. But, I'll try. One more time. If I get the chance.

Confirmed

2009-03-18T16:48:00.000-06:00

Confirmed. No bun in the oven. Again. This is getting old.

Holding a baby

2009-03-13T15:02:00.002-06:00

I got to snuggle up to my nephew, J this week. He's such a chunk. He's not quite 3 months old and he's already close to 18 lbs. My kids hit the 18 lb mark between 11-14 months! Seriously.

This big kid is outgrowing his cousins, but oh, is he cute. I've been able to cuddle him, tickle him, feed him and pass him to my brother when it's time to change him. ;)

It's been healing to me. My own babies keep leaving me and we're still waiting for another chance to have one. So, being an aunt to this little/big guy just makes my day and soothes my heart.

No news yet...still waiting for that, oh-so-annoying, answer that I'm again not pregnant this month. As usual, we'll see...

It better happen soon...

2009-02-27T21:35:00.002-07:00

If we don't get pregnant (and KEEP that baby) soon, we may just change our minds. Right now every member of our family sleeps through the night, feeds themselves, is capable of picking up after themselves (I said, capable...not consistent) and we're very nearly close to having us all potty trained. I could get used to a life without a baby in it.

Don't get me wrong. I do want another baby. I know he/she is there and we have to keep trying to get him/her to our family. But, if it doesn't happen soon, I worry that we'll just get so used to this house of older kids that we'll decide not to have any more.

(You hear that baby?? It's time to come down! And stick around for awhile!)

Miscarriage Support

2009-02-20T14:36:00.004-07:00

Recently I've learned that this little blog of mine has been helpful for women who have suffered miscarriages and a few who are trying to conceive. Wow. It's funny how life works, isn't it? I started this blog 6+ months ago to document my feelings on trying for and having our 6th child. In my head, I figured I'd be pregnant in a few months and then I'd get to talk about backaches, morning sickness, cravings, stretch marks, crazy dreams, etc. Then, I'd be able to talk about giving birth and enjoying a newborn and then finally my blog would be about the craziness of 6 kids.

Instead, I spent several months trying to get pregnant, only to lose that baby and bring my miscarriage total up to 4, and then spend who knows how long trying again. But, in that time I was able to talk about what I was going through, how hard it was and how frustrating it was. That was so helpful to me. Having this place to whine, scream and vent the frustrations that come along with losing a baby, was so helpful int he healing process for me. I was also able to talk about how I got through my miscarriages and now I find out that it's been helpful to other people.

A miscarriage support blog was not what I intended this blog to be, but I am so grateful that out of my losses and my pain, I've been able to help other women, even just a little bit. It makes me feel like there was some worth it it all. Something good out of the bad.

Because of this, I had added a few miscarriage support links and some trying to conceive links on the side-bar for those who need it. I've found them helpful...and still do.

I still hope that my blog will one day become what I wanted it to be..which means a happy ending for me. But, until then I'm happy to help whoever I can with the experiences I've had. I never asked to be an "expert" on miscarriages, but Heavenly Father must have felt that I needed to be one, so I'll use my knowledge to help others get through it. If anyone ever has questions and just needs to vent, just leave a comment. I'm happy to help.

Chalking it up to stress

2009-02-17T11:37:00.002-07:00

Pregnant, I am not.

I'm chalking up the whole locking-my-daughter-in-the-truck experience to stress. I have been major stressed and trying to conceive isn't helping.

I'm thinking of just letting whatever happens, happen and spend less time focusing on trying to conceive. It's just one extra stress I can't deal with right now. We do want another baby right now, but we've been trying for 3 months now since the miscarriage and I'm not pregnant, so we'll just see what happens without all the careful planning.

Pregnancy test of a different kind

2009-02-10T18:26:00.004-07:00

My mom and my husband will attest, that when I am pregnant I should not be able near a vehicle. I have issues with vehicles. During all of my pregnancies (miscarriages included) I have either...

1- lost the keys to my car
2- locked my keys in the car
3- lost the car in the parking lot and had to get an attendant to help me find it

I do not have these issues when I'm not pregnant. I can't even remember ever doing these things while not pregnant.

Yesterday, I locked the keys in the Yukon at the school...with Princess in it. Think it's a sign?

Still plugging along...

2009-02-02T21:20:00.002-07:00

Still trying. Blah. Same old, same old.

Not that the "trying part" is same old blah. Just thought I better mention that in case the hubby reads this.

But, the waiting and hoping and waiting some more is getting pretty dang old. I hope to have exciting news to report in the next few weeks. But, I'm not holding my breath.

Hope

2009-01-26T17:22:00.000-07:00

Just reminding myself...

"Hope is not knowledge, but rather the abiding trust that the Lord will fulfill His promise to us. It is confidence that if we live according to God’s laws and the words of His prophets now, we will receive desired blessings in the future. It is believing and expecting that our prayers will be answered. It is manifest in confidence, optimism, enthusiasm, and patient perseverance.
In the language of the gospel, this hope is sure, unwavering, and active. The prophets of old speak of a “firm hope” and a “lively hope.” It is a hope glorifying God through good works. With hope comes joy and happiness. With hope, we can “have patience, and bear … [our] afflictions.”

~President Dieter F. Uchtdorf Second Counselor in the First Presidency

Sick of the Uncertainty

2009-01-26T16:37:00.002-07:00

I'm frustrated. What else is new, huh?

A few of my friends have become pregnant and are announcing their news. I AM, really AM, happy for them. I just wish I could be included among them.

But, at the same time I'm so afraid of getting pregnant again, because I don't want to lose any more babies. I hate the uncertainty. A friend of mine asked if we were done having kids, and I wasn't even sure how to answer. No, we're not done. We want one more. But, will I ever get that baby? Will I get pregnant and lose more before getting that baby? Maybe I am done because it's all out of my control. I'm tired of it. I just want to get pregnant and have the baby and be done with this. And while I'm at it, I want everyone I know who struggles with infertility to be able to get pregnant or to be able to adopt when they want to...not wait and wonder what the future is for them. Is that too much to ask? Don't answer that.

Ugh!

2009-01-24T10:00:00.002-07:00

It's funny how even after 4 miscarriages, I still tend to forget what it's all going to be like. I forgot just how bad the first few periods are going to be. Ugh! Not fun! Scary even.

I should write a book about what to expect after a miscarriage and then make sure to read it every time so I don't panic and think I'm dying. Life stinks sometimes...have I mentioned that before?

Starting over

2009-01-20T09:33:00.007-07:00

Getting your period after a miscarriage just plain sucks. This isn't my first since losing the baby, but still...it sucks! It's like a big fat reminder that you are no longer pregnant. When you are trying to get pregnant again, it's just a double whammy in the pain department too, because not only are you reminding that you don't have a baby inside you, but you get the announcement that "Sorry, you aren't a winner. Try again next time." Grrrrr

I would have, could have been finding out the sex of the baby this week. Instead I'm crampy, tired and grouchy and so not pregnant. It's not going to be a good week.

Counting Chickens

2009-01-19T20:34:00.003-07:00

We took the kids out today to see the new Draper Temple. There were a lot of people, including cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents with us. (We filled 3/4 of a bus with just our family). I spent most of my time looking around making sure I knew where all the kids were. Counting heads each time. "There's 1.....oh, there's 2 and 3....where is 4..where IS 4?...oh there is 4 and where is 5? Oh ya, she's in my arms. Okay, we're good. Dang it, where did 1 go now?......"

By the end, I leaned over to hubby and whispered "If it's this hard to keep track of five kids, how will we do it when we get number six?" and before he could answer I said "Never mind, when you have this many, what's one more?"

Mood killers...

2009-01-11T20:36:00.002-07:00

Top 4 things to kill the 'trying-to-make-a-baby mood'...

1- Little fingers under the door with a little voice saying "MOMMY! I can't get in. Open the door for me. I want to come in too!"

2- A loud crash and then "Uh-oh!" outside the door (and not during the day time either!)

3- The sound of a vomiting child in down the hall.

4- Rolling over a talking dolly on the bed.

...I'm just sayin'

Things I've learned...

2009-01-08T11:32:00.002-07:00

To anyone who has ever suffered a miscarriage, here are a few things I've learned...

1- People will say all the wrong things while trying to say all the right things. It's okay. They mean well. They aren't trying to hurt you, they just don't know what to say. Ignore what they say and remember that they love you and wish they could make better.

2- It's okay to be angry. Anger is a step in the grief process. Let it happen. The key is to not stay angry. Let yourself be pissed at the world and then let the anger go. Don't try to skip the angry times. It'll just comeback eventually. Get mad and get over that phase.

3- Being sad about your loss does not mean that you don't have Faith in Heavenly Father's plan for us. Yes, you know that you will see your baby again one day. But, when you lose a baby, that isn't really your focus. The only thing that matters is that it's not inside you anymore. It's not with you. It's okay to be sad about that. Later on when time has passed the knowledge of where your baby is and that you will one day see him/her again will leave you with a sense of peace. But, it doesn't mean you shouldn't be sad about it now.

4- If 6 months pass and your heart is still broken, guess what? It's okay! There is no time table for these things. Don't ever let anyone tell you to "get over it." Your heart will heal in time. Nothing is wrong with you if you are still sad about it. I promise, in time it will get easier. It will get better.

5- It will be hard to see other pregnant women or women with newborns. It's going to hurt. Don't try to avoid being around pregnant women or babies. It will not help. Trust me. I've done this both ways before. I have avoided all new babies and pregnant women and it made things worse. Their babies have nothing to do with yours. Be happy for what they have. You will feel a little jealous, but you can still celebrate their babies and be happy for them. For me, embracing other new babies helped heal my heart. Holding a new baby is proof that babies do make it from point A to point B without leaving in the middle. Hang on to that hope.

6- Do something to remember your baby. Buy a charm for your necklace. Plant a tree or flowers in your baby's honor. Do something. Do NOT do nothing. Remember your baby in a real way that will help you to feel peace about it. It was a baby. It was real. Remember it. Don't try to forget it, it will only make things worse.

7- Do not let your fear of another miscarriage overpower your desire to have another baby. If you want a baby, try again. That's really all you can do.

8- Read your scriptures, go to church, pray to your Father in Heaven and do whatever you can to keep His spirit close to you at all times. If you keep Him as a constant companion you will get through this. Even if you feel angry because He let this happen, remember that He hurts for you too. Your loss may have been part of His plan for you, but that doesn't mean he enjoys watching you suffer. He aches for you too. Get through it together.

9- Talk about it. even if you are worried about being a downer, or if people are too afraid to ask you about it for fear that it will upset you. Talk about it. It WILL help. Find a friend (and/or a blog) and let all your feelings/worries/frustrations out. It will make you feel better, I promise.

10- Always, always, always remember that it is NOT your fault! You did nothing wrong. these things do happen. They suck! But, is not your fault, so never let yourself feel guilty about.

Not much to post...

2009-01-05T13:28:00.002-07:00

We're still trying...waiting...hoping.

Our New Year's hopes are that we will sell our house and be in our new house by the end of 2009 and that we will have our caboose baby in our arms by then too. Here's hoping!

So small and sweet...

2008-12-20T11:40:00.003-07:00

My newest little nephew, Joshua was born on Thursday. 8 lbs. and 8 oz. 21" long. Cute as can be! Wow! The miracle of life is just so powerful and miraculous, isn't it?

He's in the NICU with some fluid in his lungs, but he'll be out in no time. ;) I'm an Auntie again!

On a more positive note...

2008-12-16T08:37:00.002-07:00

My sweet Sis-in-law is in the early stages of labor as I type and I am so excited to meet my new nephew!

Since my baby returned home to be with Heavenly Father, I'm going to cuddle up with my nephew and smell in his new baby scent every chance I get!

A little peace

2008-12-15T13:00:00.002-07:00

Something occurred to me yesterday while I was reading my patriarchal blessing that has left me with a comforting sense of peace. While reading it it talked about how my family agreed to come down to this earth to be a family even with all the circumstances we would face. We knew each other and we agreed to live together here. My blessing says that I will have patience and understanding as I remember that. I didn’t understand this until yesterday, but that also includes my lost babies. We were all a big family in the preexistence and we agreed to come down here. I agreed to hold those babies inside me for just a short time, so that they could get a body. They also agreed to come down for just a short time. That is very comforting to me because as much as it hurts, I know it’s part of our family plan and we all agreed to it together. I know that those babies are thankful to me for allowing them to do what they needed to do and that leaves me feeling okay about all of this. I do have the patience and understanding regarding those babies. It may not feel like it at times, but I do. And I know that if I lose another baby, it will be because we both agreed to it in the preexistence. I just hope we all didn't agree to do this too many times.

Why can't I do it?

2008-12-09T17:09:00.003-07:00

I got a cute Christmas card in the mail today. It was from a good friend of mine who moved away 2 years ago. She has two adorable little kids. Her youngest was born just 3 weeks after my little Princess. Anyway, in her cute card she mentioned her good news. She's expecting a baby! Yea! Guess when? The first part of June. Yep, right when I should have been expecting my own baby.

Why can't I get pregnant and just know that 9 months later I'll have a baby in my arms? Grrr. Needless to say, I've been in a bad mood the rest of the day. I'm not upset that she's having a baby. I'm thrilled for her. She is such a great woman and a great mom and I'm very happy for her. I just wish I could be happy for myself too.

Depressing

2008-12-05T15:04:00.002-07:00

Man this blog is depressing. This isn't how I planned this blog to be. But, life takes turns you don't expect. It's going to take awhile before my heart fully heals, but I'm feeling a little better every day and it's time to try to smile more often and focus on the blessings I have and the positive parts of life.

I'm going to try to make bring this blog back to what I wanted it to be. A fun way to document the adventures of trying to conceive a baby, being pregnant with that baby, and enjoying a newborn. I'm back to square one. It stinks, but it is what it is.

Back to trying to sneak in alone time with the hubby. That's an adventure in itself. But, a fun one too.

Gross Blessings

2008-12-03T13:55:00.002-07:00

My 5 little buns are sick! Vomit and all. Gross! However, I've spent so much time cleaning up their messes and holding them when their tummies hurt that I haven't had time to wollow in my sorrow. So, I'd say that's a blessing. A gross blessing!

Update on me: My HCG levels have gone down, I assume all the way. At least under 25 that I know of for sure. So, it looks like all is well in that area and I won't be needing a D & C. We were worried that something got "left behind" in there and that on top of naturally passing the baby, I'd have to get a D & C as well, but it looks like that worry is over and my body has healed and now I just have to get through the emotional part and get strong enough to try again.

I really want to try again as soon as possible because I want to focus on life, not death. I want to win the battle over miscarriage. I know we're supposed to have another baby in our family and we want that baby here sooner rather than later, so I'm not going to let my fear of another miscarriage make me wait any longer than I have to. We'll try again and hope for the best.

Thanks again to all my family and friends who have been so great with hugs, chats, flowers, chocolate, food, etc. I have a great support system and that's why I know that I can try again.

Or Maybe Not...

2008-11-30T10:47:00.002-07:00

Just as I congratulate myself for doing so well emotionally with this miscarriage, I fall apart all over again. It's been a tougher weekend than I expected.

First, Thanksgiving. We had a great Thanksgiving, no problems there. It's just that I would have hit the 12 week mark on Thanksgiving. It's the date I'd had circled on the calendar for months. The date I would have moved into the second trimester and could have relaxed at knowing that all would be well with the baby. Instead, I spent the day reminded that I'm not even pregnant anymore. It was tough.

Then yesterday. Another great day, just emotional. We spent the day with family, doing family Christmas traditions and enjoying each others company. But, there were lots of little babies. With my last batch of miscarriages I didn't hold a baby until 6 months after I lost my own. It was just too hard. I didn't want to be that way this time. I love holding babies. So, I held my cousin's baby for a long while and just enjoyed the new baby smell and the warm cuddling he gave me. It wasn't hard to hold him. It actually helped me. It reminded me that babies can make it from point A to point B without leaving in the middle. I enjoyed holding that little baby. I also enjoyed watching my sister-in-law S open her baby shower gifts and seeing her excitement for her first baby. I love putting my hand on her belly and feeling the life inside it.

But, when I returned home last night my heart was so heavy. Physically heavy. It still is. My heart feels hard as a rock. I hate this. I want my own big belly with a moving baby inside. I want my own sweet smelling baby to hold and love. I hate that I've lost this baby and that there is nothing I can do to relieve the pain I feel but wait for time to pass and the pain to gradually ease. I just wish I could be happy. I wish I could know that I could get pregnant soon and have a perfectly healthy pregnancy. But, instead I sit and think about how it could take another 5 months to get pregnant and I could still lose that baby too.

I am trying so hard to have the perfect faith that everything will work out. I do believe that. But, I've learned from experience that going through a trial doesn't mean everything will work out smoothly the next time. Sometimes we have trial after trial after trial before it all comes to a happy ending. And sometimes the happy ending we want never comes the way we want it too.

Ugh! I just need hug.

Doing Better

2008-11-28T12:26:00.003-07:00

I'm doing a lot better. I still get bummed out at night when it's time to sleep. My mind starts asking the "why?" questions and I start to wonder about the future, but for the most part I'm doing a lot better. I'm moving on and getting through this.

Physically, I'm still healing. I still have HCG in my blood and until that's gone I can't get pregnant again, so we're hoping that soon my body will be back to normal so I can start this terrifying process all over again.

Strong?

2008-11-20T11:45:00.002-07:00

I've had countless people tell me I'm strong this week. Why don't I feel strong? I feel weak and defeated and empty. Maybe it's because I can put on a fake smile and pretend that everything is okay, when on the inside I'm screaming. I do think I am getting stronger and stronger with every trial I face and I've faced some pretty big trials. So, this morning I've been thinking about how I am strong.

*I get stronger every time I go to the store or the school and see the 20 pregnant bellies waddling past me. I'm strong because I don't get angry because they have a life growing inside them and I am empty. I am strong because I don't break into tears when I see them.

*I am strong because I can go shopping for baby gifts for my soon-to-arrive nephew and not get depressed. I can actually have fun shopping for tiny little things and not think "if only I were having a baby too", but just enjoy the fact that another life will join our extended family.

*I am strong because when my kids come to me in tears because they were "thinking about the baby again" I can hold them tight and comfort them and I can tell them that everything will be okay and that we will have another baby in our family one day. I am strong because I believe those words that I tell them.

I am strong. I do have faith. I also have hope. But, it doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt like crazy too. It doesn't mean that I can lay in bed at night before falling asleep without thinking "why did this have to happen again?" But, I am strong enough to keep pressing forward and to try again with hope for a better outcome. I am also strong enough to keep my angel babies close to my heart and remember them in my own special way and learn from this trial as much as I possibly can so that I can grow from this experience instead of let it take away a part of me.

Struggling

2008-11-19T10:36:00.002-07:00

I'm struggling right now. I want to be happy. I don't want to be going through this. I have no choice but to deal with it, but I'm so angry and frustrated. I am so mad that I'm dealing with another miscarriage. I just want to scream.

I'm terrified of getting pregnant again and losing that baby too. I just wish I had answers as to why this happens to me and why I've been able to have 5 healthy children without any complications. There isn't anything I can do but wonder and worry and be ticked off at the world.

I know I am strong enough to get through this. I get stronger every time and I know I have the ability to pull through this and be okay at the end. I know that if it happens again I will be strong enough to get through it that time too. But, I don't want to go through it again. I don't ever want to lose another baby. I feel like I keep walking myself out to the middle of the freeway and laying down knowing that I have a pretty good chance of getting hurt, but I also have a chance of walking away from it unharmed. It makes me wonder why I keep doing this to myself. I have 5 children. That's a lot and they fill me with so much love. Why do this to myself for another? Because Heavenly Father told us that there is another child for us. Because we feel it in our hearts too and we want that child with us. That's why I'll walk myself out to the freeway again. But, if I get hurt one more time, there might not be enough left of my heart to do it again.

It's over

2008-11-16T19:13:00.002-07:00

Well, it's finally over. I passed the baby tonight and while it was sad, I felt so much relief in knowing that it was over and my body can heal and now my heart can too. After months of trying for a baby, I got to spend 10 weeks pregnant (6 knowing about it) and now I'm no longer pregnant. Ya know, life just sucks sometimes!

Hubby and I are debating over whether to jump right back into trying to conceive. Some people might think we should wait a few months, but I would really like to try again and get pregnant soon so that instead of spending my days thinking about loss, I can spend them thinking about a new life. Even knowing full well that I could lose that one too. But, I think my heart will get over this sooner if I can keep plugging along and keep trying to get to that baby that will eventually make it into my arms. I guess we'll just see what happens.

The numbers are the proof

2008-11-16T10:23:00.002-07:00

I talked to my Dr. yesterday and he confirmed what I already knew. My HCG numbers are dropping. Now it's just a waiting game for me to pass the baby. I've been praying that it will happen fast so that I don't have to drag the physical pain on any longer than I have too. I need to be able to start healing with the emotional page and for me that doesn't come until the physical aspects of the miscarriage are over.

If I don't pass the baby by the end of this coming week, I'll have to go in for a D & C, but I'm really hoping to avoid that. My body has done this several times before and I know the steps and stages that it goes through to get to the end and so far my body is working in that direction, so hopefully it won't be too much longer.

My heart is broken though. I'm trying to so hard to be tough and face the facts and have faith that it's all happening for a reason. For the most part I'm doing okay. I've accepted that it's over and that I have no choice but trying again and hoping for the best. But, I'm having a hard time fighting off the anger. I know it's a normal part of grieving and I should probably just let myself get angry and get it over with, but I don't like myself when I'm angry, because I start to doubt everything I know is true and dear to my heart and I have to fight to keep my testimony strong. It's a fine line for me. I do know without a doubt that Heavenly Father's plan for me is better than any plan I could choose for myself, but I also am so angry that I'm having to grieve for the fourth time. I'm starting to get angry because we had thought we were done with 5 kids and we were okay with our family how it was. It took a lot of convincing from our Heavenly Father to jump into this again and then when we finally agree to do it and when we finally get excited for a new baby it's taken away from us. I feel like I got set up to be in pain. Why? Grrrrr. I'm just ticked. But, I do know that I will get through this and I will be okay. I've been here before, too often and I know I'll get over the grief and I'll get pregnant again and I'll be an absolute mess through that pregnancy too. I guess all I can do it hope for the best.

Should be

2008-11-13T15:49:00.002-07:00

Today I should be posting that I'm 10 weeks along. 1/4 of the way through the pregnancy. I should be posting that I'm doing great and that the baby is now the size of a kumquat.

But, I'm sitting realizing that there is a baby inside me that isn't growing and will most likely be leaving us before it's time. I still don't have any concrete answers, but I'm bleeding more and I'm having some pretty painful cramps, which lead me to believe that I'm losing this baby.

I am so sad. My heart feels like it's being torn apart, but at the same time I do feel at peace about it. I had a little chat last night with this baby and I told it that it's Mommy and Daddy love it very much, but that we understand if he needs to return to our Heavenly Father than that is okay and that we will always love it and we will meet it again in Heaven one day and have the opportunity to raise it there. I told the baby that it was okay to go if it was suffering. It may seem stupid to be taking to a fetus, but after I had this conversation I felt peace. I also felt a deep sadness. I don't know why I'm going through this again, for the 4th time. I don't know why I could get pregnant and carry 4 healthy children without any complications at all and then lose 2 babies in a row and then my Princess's twin. I don't know why I have to experience this heartache again and again. I can't believe that I am most likely losing my 4th baby. I really thought this was behind me. I guess not.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I won't lose it. But, I feel like it's the end and it's time to let go. I also feel like there is a child for us still waiting for it's turn to come and live with us here on Earth, so as much as it's going to tear me apart with fear, we will try again and hope for a better result. My desire to bring that child to our family is greater and stronger than my fear of another miscarriage.

When I know for certain, I'll let you know. But, all signs point to another loss for us.

Prayers Needed

2008-11-12T16:28:00.002-07:00

Oh, what a day. I woke up spotting, a little. Very little, but spotting none-the-less. I called my Dr. and the nurse told me that because I wasn't having any cramping and because I was spotting pink and so little of it, to just wait and see if it got worse over the next few days. There was no way I was going to do that. I've miscarried too many times to just sit back and let the worry work it's way through my mind. So, I told her I'd really like to be examined and find out one way or another if something was wrong with the baby, so they agreed and I went in this afternoon. I walked out without any answers, but a lot more questions.

Here is what is going on. They aren't particularly worried about the bleeding. It seems to have stopped for now anyway. They couldn't find a heartbeat with the doppler, but I'm only supposed to be 9w6d weeks along, so it was a little early anyway. They pulled out the ultrasound machine and sure enough there is a little gummy shaped baby inside me.

At first we couldn't see a heartbeat, which about made me stop having one of my own. But, my Dr. zoomed in really close and we held very still and changed the u/s probe in different positions and after a few minutes we did find a very weak heartbeat. He also measured the baby and the baby measured 7w5d along. My uterus is measuring where it should be in the 8-10 week range. I'm still experiencing pregnancy symptoms which is a positive sign as well.

Sooo...I know nothing. There could be a few things happening.

#1 I could have ovulated 2 weeks late and that is why the baby is measuring late. If the baby really is at it's correct size at 7w5d, then the weak looking heartbeat is actually as strong as it should look for those dates and everything could be fine. Other than the bleeding, of course, which again they aren't too concerned about because everything else looks fine. the worry I have is that I was taking my temp. and charting my cycles to conceive this baby. I know I ovulated between 14-17 days in my cycle. Not two weeks later. Also, if I DID somehow ovulate two weeks later, than that means I got a positive HPT the same day I would have gotten pregnant. Not possible. BUT, I know miracles happen and I'm trying not to dismiss any positive possibilities.

#2 The baby could but just really small. Which has me worried that maybe something is wrong with it and is causing it to not grow properly. It could be make it to term and be okay, but have problems.

#3 I could be 9w6d along, with a baby measuring 7w5d and it could not be thriving due to it's own issues and although it has a heartbeat now, it could stop growing and die inside me at any time.

It's a horrible and frightening feeling to know that there is a child inside me with a little beating heart and a perfect little gummy shaped body with a little face that might have problems and there is absolutely nothing I can do to protect it and help it. I'm completely helpless. The only thing I can do is have faith that my Heavenly Father knows what he's doing to my breaking heart and knows what is best for this baby and for our family. I also can pray for two things. Pray that if this baby is indeed okay, that he/she will continue to grow and develop as it should and be okay. And I can pray that if this baby needs to return home to our Heavenly Father and the three siblings it has up there already, that our hearts will be filled with peace and acceptance and the courage to try again. That is my biggest struggle right now. If I lose this baby, I don't know if I have the strength to try again.

I had my blood drawn for an HCG count and I'll go back again for another on Friday. On Saturday, I should know if my HCG numbers are rising at the appropriate rate (which would mean everything is okay) or if they are dropping or not raising enough, then I'll know that the pregnancy isn't viable and that I will lose my little baby. So, please pray for us. We really need prayers right now. Thanks.

It just gets crazier and crazier...

2008-11-09T09:45:00.003-07:00

I've admitted that I have crazy dreams while pregnant, but what happened the night before last just takes the cake. I woke up in the middle of the night with a bad pain in my arm. I couldn't feel most of my arm, but at my joints I was in a lot of pain. I had the following conversation with my hubby...

Me: Ouch! Oh, my arms hurts so bad.
Hubby: Are you okay?
Me: No, I really hurt and I don't know what's wrong.
Hubby: What happened?
Me: I don't know. My arm is like a candy corn.
Hubby: What?
Me: It's like a pumpkin candy corn. It's hard to explain.
Hubby: I think you are still asleep.
Me: I am NOT asleep. I am awake and I'm in pain. My arm is like a candy corn, it's just hard to explain it to you. It's like one of those little tiny pumpkins that you buy for decoration, but they are too little to use for baking. You know, those little gourds. My arm is like a little pumpkin gourd.
Hubby: Um, did you overdose on something? Take one too many Unisoms or something.
Me: I am not sleeping. I am not crazy. I know exactly what I'm talking about. I am making perfect sense. Why can't you understand me? My arm has fallen off. It's missing. It's like a pumpkin gourd!
Hubby: Okay, I think you should stop while you're ahead. Because I'm seriously thinking about having you committed.
Me: Quit being a jerk. I am making perfect sense. I just can't explain it well enough for you to understand.
Hubby: Okay, hon.

About 5 minutes after I stewed about what an idiot my husband must be for not understanding my situation, I woke up enough to realize that nothing I said made sense. It was SO weird though, because I wasn't fully asleep. I was sitting up looking around the room and having this conversation with my husband. I really did think my arm had fallen off. Although I can't figure out for the life of my what that had to do with pumpkins, gourds or candy corn.

This baby is really messing with my brain. I was, however, thankful that I didn't dream that my arm was a hot dog.

Maternity Jeans

2008-11-08T11:28:00.001-07:00

How sad. Just two days ago I said I wasn't breaking out the maternity clothes yet and here I sit this morning wearing maternity jeans. But, oh, they are so much more comfy!

Pregnancy Dreams

2008-11-07T10:37:00.002-07:00

Am I the only one who has really odd dreams when they are pregnant?

I've always had really crazy dreams when I'm pregnant. They rarely ever make sense either. The most popular reoccurring nightmare that I have when I'm pregnant is one that wakes me up screaming. This nightmare is known as the "T-Rex dream" in our house. In the dream I'm with various people, but always my husband and usually some of my kids are with me and there are always some kids I went to Jr. High and High School with in it too. But, the individuals vary each time I have the dream. The location changes each time too. Sometimes it's in a High School, sometimes a Grocery Store, sometimes a castle and even once it was on a movie set. One thing is always the same though. There is a very large, very angry T-Rex and he's chasing me. I hide every where I can and he always finds me. He never gets me though. I always wake up right before he eats me alive. It freaks me out every time. I have this nightmare about 4-5 times during the pregnancy, but here's the catch. I've only had this dream when I was pregnant with my boys. I never once dreamt it while carrying the Princess. So far with this pregnancy, I haven't had this nightmare, but if I do, I'm betting it'll be because I'm carrying a boy. I really hope I don't have the nightmare at all. Partly because I can do without waking up screaming in the night and partly because I really would love to have just one more girl. I love having my 4 boys and we have so much fun, but I would so love to do the bows, dresses and bracelets again. I guess we'll see....

As for last night, I did have a dream. A non-dinosaur dream. Anyone want to guess what it was about? I was walking in the grocery store with my mom, picking up a few things she and I needed and guess what I was filling the cart with? C'mon, give it a guess. HOT DOGS! Hot dogs and buns! Seriously, what is wrong with me? I wonder if there is any symbolism there?

9 weeks!

2008-11-06T10:34:00.002-07:00

I'm 9 weeks along now. Wow! I know that's still early, but it's hard to believe that I found out I was pregnant over 5 weeks ago. Time has gone by fast. Hopefully the rest of the time will go by quickly too. I'm feeling the same. Nothing new. Still hungry, tired, sick and hormonal. Although my pants are starting to get tighter and tighter each day. I'm not breaking out the maternity jeans yet though.

This hunger thing is started to bug me more and more though. Last night I dreamt that I was camping and all I did was eat hot dogs. Over and over, I ate hot dogs. I could see myself roasting a hot dogs, then putting it in a warm bun, adding ketchup to one side of the bun and a little mustard and relish on the other and then I'd eat it in about 5 bites and repeat the process over and over. Isn't that just pathetic? I'm even starving and eating in my dreams!

As for the baby, it has grown to the size of a grape, weighs a fraction of an ounce, and is almost 1 inch long. Grow, grape baby, grow!

Crazy thought!

2008-11-05T16:21:00.002-07:00

So, today I'm sitting with some friends and they ask me how I'm feeling. I tell them that I'm doing pretty good. I started taking vitamin B6 and half a Unisom at night for morning sickness and it's helped a lot. I mentioned that my biggest pregnancy complaint is that I am so hungry. Constantly. It's so much worse than it was with any of my other pregnancies. I'm not just hungry, I feel starving every minute of the day. No matter how much I eat, I am still hungry. I feel like I'm fasting, but I'm eating a ton.

My friend S. smiles and says "Huh, that's exactly how I felt when I was carrying my twins."
I said "Yeah, but wouldn't I be so much sicker?" She said "I wasn't very sick with my twins. I just felt overwhelmingly hungry all the time and my body felt drained, like it was taking everything out of me."

Hmmm. That's how I feel. Now, I'm not seriously thinking that I'm carrying twins, but it is a crazy thought. I've conceived twins before so that makes the odds of doing it again greater. I also know that a mom who has had a lot of kids previously has a great chance of conceiving twins. I guess at my OB appointment on the 25th, I'll find out if I hear just one heartbeat or two.

Still...

2008-11-03T09:55:00.001-07:00

Still Hungry. Still Sick. Still Tired. And now really grouchy. Oh, and the best one...still pregnant!

Kidney Bean @ 8 weeks

2008-10-30T13:16:00.002-06:00

I am 8 weeks along today. Two down, one to go. By that I mean, I've passed two of the miscarriage weeks for me. I lost a baby at 6 weeks, 7.4 weeks and at 9.2 weeks. For some reason I'll feel better if I can get past 9 weeks. I know that miscarriages can happen at any time, but in my mind, if it doesn't happen by next week, I'm safe.

On a better note, the baby is now the size of a Kidney bean (a little more than 1/2"). Also, I am sick! I officially have morning sickness. Yeah! That's so sad, to be celebrating. But, with my miscarriages, I had one where I wasn't sick at all and one where I was only a little sick (the other I was really sick, but I still had Abby in utero, so that doesn't count.) I don't enjoy being sick. but, I enjoy the fact that my body is acting pregnant. It makes me feel better. My pants are getting tight too. Oh joy!

I'm going to blame the weight gain from the 100 Reeses Peanut Butter Cups that I'm going to inhale tomorrow, on the baby. Sorry baby. Someone has to take the blame. I could try not to eat them, but that's just not going to happen. I've already taken all of the PB Cups out of the candy cauldron and put them in the pantry. The neighbor kids can enjoy the Twizzlers instead!

When Food Becomes the Enemy

2008-10-27T12:13:00.003-06:00

I am caught in a mess here. This tiny human being inside me wants food every minute of the day. I never feel full. No matter how much I eat, I never feel full. I don't remember it being this bad with my other 5 kids (and with the miscarried pregnancies.) I do remember being sick and tired, but not starving every minute of the day. There are two problems with this:

Problem #1: I am not a veggie fan. I do however try to eat more of them when I am pregnant, because I have to think of "it" first ya, know? But, I have to talk myself into it. But, when I'm hungry ALL TIME TIME, the last thing I want to do is eat veggies all day long. I end up snacking on whatever is yummy and quick to grab. That's not a good thing. I need some sort of healthy food buffet in my house so I can just graze on it all day.

Problem #2: I have a new symptom as of this morning. The enhanced sense of smell. Normally, not such a bad thing for me as my non-pregnant self has a poor sense of smell. You'd think I'd enjoy finally being able to smell the vanilla scented car freshener or the perfume I wear. But, no. Smelling all of these things has been a bad thing for me. It all makes me sick! When trying to eat a nutritious bowl of vegetable loaded chicken noodle soup, I couldn't eat it because the smell had me gagging. I made nuggets for Chugga and Princess today and I couldn't grab one of those either because of the smell. Which is where problem #2 really comes into play. How am I supposed to keep my stomach full to keep this blueberry baby happy if the smell of all food makes me nauseous? Now, chocolate doesn't have a bad smell. My nose enjoys that smell. But, I'm not sure if my OB or my butt would approve of my eating chocolate 24/7.

What to do, what to do?

7 weeks!

2008-10-24T16:45:00.002-06:00

I hit the seven week mark yesterday. Times just a flying by...not!

Highlights of the week:
*The "baby" (embryo) is now the size of a blueberry. (1/2") It's growing it's little arm and leg buds and it has webbed hands.
*I'm still pregnant. Yea!

Parts of the week to whine about:
*Morning sickness. It's hitting. Slowly but surely, it's there. Good sign I hope.
*HUNGER. All I can do it eat. I stuff my face and then 20 min. later I'm starving! I'm so hungry all the time. I recently ate a full plate of dinner in addition to a Big Mac, fries and a drink...and was still hungry.
*I'm only 7 weeks??? Time is moving so slooooowly.

I hate being afraid.

2008-10-21T11:30:00.002-06:00

The worst part about being pregnant after having a miscarriage (or three) is the fear of having another one. Anyone who has had a miscarriage, knows what I am talking about.

Joy and excitement of each new day is instead filled with anxiety and worry of "will this be the day that I lose the baby?" It doesn't matter if you tell yourself not to worry or if you think it through and know that the odds of having a healthy pregnancy are higher than the odds of miscarrying. All that you know is that it can happen and there isn't anything you can do to stop it.

Now, I have complete faith that my Heavenly Father knows what is best for me and I know that if I were to lose this baby it would be because it was part of His plan for me. Losing three babies broke my heart into tiny pieces, but I pulled them back together and after it was all over I had my little Princess. I know that she was the baby that was supposed to be a part of our family and when she came was a big part of her plan as well. If I hadn't had the earlier miscarriages, she wouldn't have been here. So, I know that everything does work out in the end. But still...I worry.

I don't want to go through the heartbreak of losing another baby. If I were to lose this baby, I don't think I could try for another one. I think that would be enough for me.

Before I get you all worried that something is happening, relax. I'm fine and as far as I know the Lentil bean is fine as well. I just can't stop worrying that I could have a miscarriage. Partly because I'm not very sick and I usually get pretty bad morning sickness. I know this could be a blessing. I have 5 kids, a busy calling at church, I'm training to learn the financial side of the family business, and I'm selling my house. I have enough on my plate right now. I don't need to be losing my lunch every day as well. So, I'm hoping that my lack of raging morning sickness is because I'm being blessed with an easy pregnancy. I do feel sick. Just nothing like what I normally do when I'm pregnant. I'm just hoping for the best, but sadly expecting to worst.

But, honestly, I could get extremely sick tomorrow and I'd still find some reason for me to worry that I'll lose the baby. It's part of how my post-miscarriage brain works now. I wish I could relax, but until I'm in a hospital bed holding a little baby, I don't think I'll ever be able to relax and believe that all will be well.

6 weeks!

2008-10-16T14:59:00.002-06:00

The baby is now the size of a lentil bean. (1/4") So tiny. I really like knowing each week what is happening and changing with him/her lentil bean, but at the same time I know that a tiny little lentil bean is a long way off from being a 7 lb. baby. I'm not a patient person. It's going to be a lonnnnnnng 8 more months.

We still haven't announced to the world yet. We haven't even told the in-laws yet. I called my parents the day the HPT showed two lines. I told you I was impatient. But, DH wants to wait and tell his parents together in a special way. If this were out first, I could see that. I guess we should do something special to announce this pregnancy too, because this child is just as special as our first born...and the rest of them too. But, I've got this "been there, done that" thing going on in my head. This will be grand baby number Twenty-Two for them. They've "been there and done that" too. Now to get my half-functioning brain to come up with a cute idea to announce the pregnancy to the in-laws... Hmmm. Any ideas?

5 weeks and counting...

2008-10-11T08:35:00.002-06:00

I'm 5 weeks and 2 days along. (Of course I added those two days. EVERY day counts!)
The baby is now the size of a Sesame Seed. Funny how something so tiny can make a person so tired. All I want to do is sleep. The nausea hasn't gotten bad yet. I just get waves of it if my stomach gets even remotely close to empty. Nothing I can't control. I just keep shoving my face full of food and waiting for the day that I have to kiss my jeans goodbye.

I hate being in these early stages. I'm constantly wondering if today will be the day that I miscarry, or if it's not today, then when, or maybe just maybe I won't miscarry and everything will be okay. I'm too early to get reassuring kicks from the Sesame Seed to know that he/she is alive and well in there. I'm still early enough that all the "preggo symptoms" aren't raging yet. Not that I'm looking forward to spending my time with my face in the toilet, but at least then I know that I really am pregnant and I don't just have to tell myself I am because 7 HPT's told me so.

On goes the wait...

Telling the kids...

2008-10-07T19:00:00.004-06:00

So, we decided to tell the kids. We're still not announcing to the world, but after finding myself nauseous this afternoon we thought maybe it was safe to let them in on the news. We told Princess about it as soon as we found out because, well, she's 2 and hasn't a clue what we're talking about. It's been fun to share the secret with her for a few days. We let her announce the news to the boys. Their reactions...

Bronco: (HUGE SMILE) "I KNEW it. I just knew it!"
Monkey: Really? Yea!! I hope it's a girl. (Big hug for me and then the words "I hope you are a girl" directed to my stomach.
Bug: "No, she's not" (then looking at me for the answer and upon seeing my nodding head, he said "Really? When I said I didn't want another baby in our family, I was kidding. I really do!"
Chugga: "She does not! You are lying. Mom, does NOT have a baby in her tummy" Then, after hearing from me that I really do and that it's super tiny and that's why I don't have a big tummy yet, she said "Oh, OK. Cool!"

Poppy Seed

2008-10-02T12:47:00.003-06:00

I'm 4 weeks along today. 4 weeks. Wow. Only 36 left to go. More like 33-34 for me as I tend to go a bit early. But, still 33-36 weeks to go. That's a lot. I need to stop counting for a few months. The baby is the size of a Poppy Seed right now. That's teeny.

I've been waiting for the onslaught of symptoms. Typically for me the nausea doesn't start until I'm about 6 weeks along, so we'll see. My morning sickness tends to get worse and worse with each pregnancy and last time I was SICK! So, I'm not looking forward to that at all. Especially since I'm supposed to be keeping this house spotless while we're selling it. Ya, that's just not going to happen.

We've been debating (for the last whole 24 hours!) whether or not to announce my pregnancy. We did already tell my parents and I told 2 of my sister-in-laws because they are my 'Trying-To-Conceive-Cheerleaders'. But, we're not sure when to tell the kids and the rest of the world. There are a few things I've learned in the past regarding this decision...

1- Miscarriages happen. Whether or not you announce your pregnancy to the world, it can still happen. Personally, I'd rather tell everyone soon and have their prayers early on, you know? Also, if you do have a miscarriage, you need to be able to have the support and help of your family and friends to get through it. And they are going to be pretty ticked off when they find out that you didn't tell them about the pregnancy to begin with. So, my vote is to announce it now.

2- If you try to hide a pregnancy from your kids (especially 8+) you have to be a super sneaky. I'm not super sneaky. With our last pregnancy we did try to hide it for awhile, but I got really sick and they thought I was dying of Cancer. It really freaked them out when I was so sick but kept telling them "I'm fine". Once they knew I was pregnant they were very helpful and supportive and not worried anymore about the fact that their mother looked like the living dead and practically worshipped the porcelain throne. My vote again, announce now and avoid the worry.

Any thoughts? Opinions?

A Bun!! A Bun!!

2008-10-01T12:59:00.003-06:00

Two pink lines! Really! There is a bun in my oven. Wow!

I think I'm still in shock. I mean, we have been trying for this for months. It shouldn't come as a shock, but it is. I'm pregnant. With. My. Sixth. Child. Say it with me now. WHOA!!

Get ready for the non-stop whining, complaining and excitement! ;)

I felt the baby kick!

2008-09-29T10:21:00.002-06:00

I felt the baby kick! Okay, so it wasn't my baby, but it was my brother and sister-in-laws baby. I rested my hand on her belly and after a few minutes I could feel the thump thump thump of teeny tiny little baby kicks against my hand. It was such a sweet feeling. I forgot how miraculous those little kicks are.

I can't wait until I feel my own baby kick inside me. Hopefully soon...

Stress!

2008-09-25T16:22:00.002-06:00

No, it's not stress about trying to conceive. It's other stress. We put our house up for sale. It's a crazy, scary and stressful thing to do but we know that it's what we are supposed to do. For the last week I've done nothing but clean, clean, clean. I've lost 4 lbs. from constantly running from room to room to pick up whatever doll-sock-shoe-towel-shirt-book-toy that has been dropped on the floor. Keeping the counter-tops clutter free, and the house smelling apple cinnamon fresh! Thank goodness for scented candles, because we all know I don't have any time to bake right now!

So, where does this put the whole trying-to-conceive plan? Right where it's always been. We know we supposed to have another baby and although it'll be super stressful to be pregnant on top of selling/renting/building a house, it'll be okay and we are going to do our best.

Because of all the craziness that is my life, I haven't been charting very well. So, I guess this month is a "if it happens, it happens" kind of month. I'll find out in a week or two. ;)

How long?

2008-09-14T08:59:00.002-06:00

I was laying in bed this morning, trying to sleep in, but the sounds of my 5 kids running around fighting/crying/whining/laughing/yelling kept me from my much deserved extra sleep. As I was hoping that my kids would suddenly burst into sleep again, I was thinking about how this week we start trying again for a baby and how I really hope this this week is "the week." I started thinking back about how long it took for us to get pregnant with our other kids. Here's what I remembered:

Bronco - First month trying
Monkey - First month trying
Bug - First month trying
Chugga - 4 months trying
1st miscarriage - 2-3 months trying
2nd miscarriage - 2 months trying
Princess/miscarried twin - 1st month (didn't really try. Surprise!)
Baby #6...so far 4 months trying.

It seems like it'd be right about time for this to happen, don't you think? Too bad it doesn't work so easily. I have to wait, something I'm not good at. I keep trying to remind myself how lucky I am to be able to conceive at all. My sweet sister-in-law has been trying for years and is now in the process of trying to adopt a baby. I've seen her heart ache as she's watched everyone around her get pregnant and have babies while she still waits. I am very lucky and have been very blessed in this area of my life. Even with losing 3 babies before I feel very blessed at being able to conceive 5 children and have a healthy and pretty easy pregnancy and birth with them. Hopefully we'll be able to do it one more time. ;)

Ugh! Stay away from me!

2008-09-11T13:42:00.002-06:00

We have been so sick this week. We've caught some sort of Flu Virus that has each member of our family on a sick roller coaster ride of nausea, headaches, head colds, vomiting, etc.

After cleaning the Princess's vomit off the kitchen floor I started thinking "why on earth would we want another baby? That's one more kid who will vomit all winter long." That thought didn't last long in my head. There are so many blessings about having another child and I'd be happy to take all the bad that comes along with the good.

Hopefully I'll start feeling better in the next few days so that we can start trying again this month, because as for right now all I can think of is "Ugh! Stay away from me! I'm so sick!"

Without Bun

2008-09-04T13:54:00.004-06:00

After being 3 days late, after hoping and thinking and being so sure that I was pregnant, my period showed up bright and early this morning to prove that even an experienced mom, can be so wrong sometimes. I'm not pregnant. No bun in the oven this month.

I know it'll happen when it's supposed to. I have complete faith in that. But, I feel robbed. I am never late (guess I can't say that anymore, huh?) and I was so sure that this was the month. I thought for the past 3 days that I was pregnant and now I find out I'm not. It stinks! If my period was going to show up, why couldn't it have happened on Monday when it was supposed to? Grrr!

So, I'm without bun this month. Maybe next month...

Not a long drive

2008-09-03T08:39:00.002-06:00

I wonder if it's possible to go completely insane, from Trying to Conceive? If it's possible, I think I'm heading down that path. Today is the 3rd day past when my period should have been due.

I, of course, peed on another stick this morning. And again, it's negative. It's driving me crazy! And FYI, with 5 kids, that wasn't a long drive!

Patience is so not my virtue!

2008-09-02T12:51:00.003-06:00

I've taken a total of 5, count 'em 5, Home Pregnancy Tests! I'd like to claim that the first 3 don't count, because I took them a week before my period was due and I knew they would be negative, but I just couldn't control myself, because there is always that small "what if?". But, alas, I did pay for those three and I did pee on those three sticks, so I'm afraid they count.

My period was due yesterday. Nothing. Negative test, even. My temperature has been rising, not dropping, so that's a good sign. In my past 5 pregnancies I've never been able to get a positive pregnancy test this early (you would think that that fact would have played into my thought process before peeing on the previously mentioned HPT's, huh?). I am exhausted and have been super tired for about 7 days now. I can't stop eating. And today, I peed (thankfully not on a stick) 3 times within an hour. I feel pregnant. I just wish I could see two pink lines instead of one! No period. No temperature drop. Pregnancy symptoms. Pregnant, right? Who knows?

I'm 90% sure I'm pregnant. I've been pregnant 7 times before (5 kids+ miscarriages), I know what it feels like, and this feels like it. But, apparently God is not too pleased with my ability to be patient, so I'm going to be tested a little longer. I didn't pee on a stick this morning. That shows patience, right!? Maybe tomorrow, I'll see my those much wanted two pink lines.

It's official!

2008-08-30T19:19:00.002-06:00

I officially have P.O.A.S.S.

Also known as, Pee On A Stick Syndrome. It's sad, I know. I clearly can not gain enough self control to keep me from peeing on a stick morning after morning. I wonder if there is a pill for this.

Driving myself crazy!

2008-08-25T13:22:00.003-06:00

I am in the midst of the dreaded "two-week-wait". If you don't know what that is, you must have never actively tried to have a baby. The "two week wait" is the two weeks between ovulation and the start of your next cycle (or hopefully lack of!) It's two weeks of wondering "Am I pregnant?"

Two sad weeks of:
* "Is the reason why I'm eating half a bag of Doritos because I'm craving it, or because I'm just being a pig?"
* "Are my breasts tender because it's an early pregnancy sign, or because I keep squeezing them to see if they are tender?"
* Continuous counting down the days in your head until the first possible moment you could pee on a stick and get a positive result, even though you really know that you are probably too early and are just wasting your money.

Ugh!! I hate not knowing. And I hate even more that I could waste all these days hoping and waiting, just to have to try again next month.

Oh, it's THAT simple!

2008-08-20T13:31:00.003-06:00

So, I'm driving down the street with Chugga and Princess yesterday and Chugga starts telling me how his one-year old cousin A. is so cute and always has such a happy smile when they play together (he's right, A is a pretty cute kid) and then he says "I wish we had a little baby like that." "I do too" I replied. Chugga looks at me seriously and says "Well, then start praying for one so we can have one." There is a little more too it than praying, but not much when you think about it. We have been praying about having another baby.

Our prayers started in June of 2007, when Hubby and I both felt like someone was missing in our family, but both being terrified at the thought of another pregnancy (three miscarriages can do that to you) and terrified at the thought of another newborn (2 weeks in PICU with a seriously sick newborn can also do that to you), let alone the thought that another baby would mean that we would be responsible for SIX small human beings and they would be completely dependant on us to emotionally, physically, and spiritually care for them. So, our prayers started out as "Are you SERIOUS? You want us to do WHAT? You know that's 6 right?" and after getting a strong answer of "Yep, that's right. You'll be fine!" we started throwing the idea around of having another baby. It took until March of 2008 for us to act on it and really decide to do it and until June to really start trying for a baby.

Now, our prayers are "Please send the baby soon! We're ready! We want him/her and we just can't wait!"

Still waiting....

2008-08-19T16:44:00.002-06:00

Not a lot to post about. The trying continues... fun, fun!

Mean while I try to talk myself into the fact that I CAN have 6 kids and not go completely insane. My mother-in-law had 9 and she's not too crazy. Surely I can handle 6 kids. Right? With an insane amount of luck, faith and caffeine anything is possible!

Taking the fun out of baking!

2008-08-14T13:23:00.002-06:00

Whoever coined the phrase "the fun is in trying" when referring to trying to conceive a baby, never had to try for long. It's only been a few months, so I know I don't have a lot of room to complain, but I'm going to do it anyway.

When you have 5 children, sex isn't something that comes by easily. It all has to be planned out to avoid the little knocks at the door (sure mood killer!). After feeding the kids, bathing the kids, and giving them their dose of Benedryl (kidding!) we rush to our bedroom, lock the door and then double check that the door is locked. Then we attempt to get into a romantic mood. Okay, I'm the only one who tries to get into a romantic mood. Hubby doesn't need a mood. But, eventually we get there and we have that rare fantastic quiet alone time to enjoy each other.

But, when you throw in trying to make a baby, it's so much harder! The planning required is similar to launching the space shuttle. There are days of taking temperatures and checking certain bodily fluids and charting it all, just waiting for the sign that says "You're Fertile, drop everything and have sex!" There is nothing like that to ruin the mood (that wasn't that easy to get in the first place, I might add.) Don't even get me started on positions.

Needless to say, there is no baby in the oven...yet. But hey, "the fun is in trying," right?